Episode 126 – How to re-think your problems
What if you actually don’t have any problems?
Years ago, my consultant said something that completely shifted my perspective: “You don’t have any problems.”
I thought he was nuts. I had a massive list of problems – health challenges, difficult relationships, overwhelming responsibilities. But he was right….
What I actually had were unmade decisions.
A problem is anything we make ourselves miserable over until we make a decision.
So the real question is:
What am I avoiding, and what decision am I willing to make right now?
This reframing changed everything. It gave me back my power.
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Links from the episode:
Next episode: Finding body confidence when living with chronic illness
Previous episode: 6 reasons you need to prioritise intentional rest
Transcript of episode
Hello loves, how are you today?
Today I want to talk about how to re-think your problems. If you’re anything like me, you have days when it feels like it’s all problems, and some, or all, people are just such hard work. It’s not possible that we’re the problem, right?
If you’re also anything like me, in the past few years you have read books such as Rhonda Byrne’s The Secret (how was that nearly 20 years ago?!) or The Magic, or more recently Gabby Bernstein’s The Universe Has Your Back.
I’ll let you in on a little secret, I struggled with The Secret. The stories and anecdotes were cute, but I didn’t really connect, it didn’t point the way. So I was rather sceptical when one of my best friends suggested that I read The Magic. She had just bought the book, was insistent I’d love it, and that we should work through it together. We did. She was right. I love that book.
You don’t have any problems
That book was my second insight into how changing your mindset can, quite literally, work miracles. Back in the days of my regular hospital appointments for my illness (and before reading The Magic) came the first big fat clue. I was probably waxing lyrical about the adjustments I’m having to make etc. etc. and my consultant responds with “You don’t have any problems”. Erm… What now?!
There are only decisions
According to Dictionary.com a problem is –
- any question or matter involving doubt, uncertainty, or difficulty.
- a question proposed for solution or discussion.
Under those circumstances, he was right. However, it took him a little while longer to convince me that I don’t have any problems, there are only decisions.… He sent me away with the mammoth task to write out ALL of my problems, and not just the health ones. I had quite the list in 2009.… From the then-husband who STILL wasn’t signing the divorce papers, not being able to run anymore, keeping my home clean and tidy, cooking, to working in London five days a week and the commute that went with it. And a lot of people went on the list!
A problem is anything we make ourselves miserable over until we make a decision. So when you think you have a problem, ask yourself “What am I avoiding, and what decision am I willing to make right now?”.
In truth, we’re usually avoiding something.
My list pretty much fell into two categories –
- the external stuff I had no control over (such as the ex-husband) and ultimately the decision to be made there was to let it go and stop letting it bother me. I’d hand it over and put it out of my mind.
- stuff I needed to make a decision on and probably hadn’t because so many things I needed to decide upon seemed to overwhelm me.
Deciding to cook in batches, using takeaway containers for fridge/freezer, and not using plates, solved a lot of the kitchen issues. I’d had a huge argument with someone, did I want to stay mad, forgive them and stay friends, or forgive them and move on. If I can’t run, what gentler exercise could I do instead?
Don’t get me wrong, there were some things that I could make a decision on, but was afraid to commit to. Mainly about making plans, because what if I then couldn’t do what I had planned?
It came down to a tenet of 12-step groups: grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Speaking of,
Keeping your side of the street clean
I also stopped taking on other people’s problems as my own. I listen, I guide, I coach, but they no longer sit with me as if they’re mine. A favourite quote of mine – “not my circus, not my monkeys”.
So tell me: what problems do you think you have? And more importantly, what decisions are you avoiding?
If you like these questions and ponderings, sign up to my weekly newsletter to get tips and tricks from inspirational strategies to motivating mindset hacks I’ve used on myself in my fight against my illness, and with my clients in theirs. There’s a link in the podcast bio, or you can find a sign-up link on my homepage – lifeinalign.com
And remember, you are worth it, and you get to choose.
Have a lovely day.
