113 – 3 ways to rebuild self-esteem without validation from others

Hello loves

Today I want to talk about ways to rebuild your self-esteem, without validation from others, and turn self-doubt into self-belief.

There’s two types of esteem, motivation, validation, reassurance, etc. Extrinsic, and intrinsic. Extrinsic is external, therefore intrinsic is internal. Whenever you’re faced with a dilemma, and you ask all your friends and family for advice, you are seeking extrinsic validation for your decision. When you rely only on your own self to solve the problem, that’s intrinsic.

Let’s be honest here, we all want and need external validation. We want to know we are liked and loved. But, when you only look externally for praise and reassurance and approval, it can cause more pain than pleasure, and worst of all, cause you to lose faith in yourself.

It also means that you are living life on other people’s terms. More often than not, these people maybe haven’t travelled to where you have been, or to where you want to go.

Talking with friends and family about what is happening for you is important, but you don’t have to take their advice, or take on their opinions as your own. You also don’t have to do that with your doctors.

You may have heard me talk about being told I would never be a runner again after I was diagnosed with my illness. By a medical professional who, and how can I say this politely…, looks like they wouldn’t have been able to run for the bus, let alone anything else. So no surprise, I wasn’t going to take their word for it. I trusted myself, and tried it my way, and here I am doing another marathon this year. It’s this kind of opinion that led me to build Life in Align in the first place.

1. Practice self-compassion.

Being unwell is stressful enough. It’s not always easy being kind to ourselves when we’re healthy, let alone unwell. The first step is being okay with not having all the answers. This took me a while to learn… and sometimes I still have to remind myself it’s ok.

If it was a loved one who was going through what you’re going through, would you be as unkind to them as you sometimes are to yourself?

So challenge your inner critic. What you say to yourself matters. Change your self-talk. Instead of thinking you’re not doing enough, tell yourself you’re doing the best you can.

2. What brings you joy?

You know the saying “where focus goes, energy flows”. Our brain is designed to keep us alive. It’s also designed to look for answers. If you’re looking for negatives, talking negatively, blaming everything around you, then your brain will seek more of this.

It’s not about pretending the bad stuff doesn’t exist, it’s about choosing to also appreciate the good stuff. One thing I have learned in the past year or so of grieving is that grief and gratitude can be held in the same hand.

Think of what went well for you today. What made you laugh, or even smile? Is your garden showing signs of spring? If you can’t think of anything, be grateful that you woke up today, or have a warm home, or running water. I’ve even picked having a pair of glasses so I can see. Even on the days that it feels like lip service, pick one thing you are genuinely grateful for.

Be grateful for your strengths. The point of this is to make it about you. Not other people. You, and how it benefits you. You might have a supportive friend you are grateful for, but they are in your life because of your good qualities. When you can accept why others like and love you, you can start doing the same for yourself.

When you’re in a space of not being able to do the things that brought you joy, how can you reimagine it? I loved running. Couldn’t run for a while. But I could stand in the garden with my face feeling the elements, whilst wearing my favourite and comfiest runners. I couldn’t spend hours at the sewing machine making a complicated dress, but I could make a simpler one. I’d tire my brain out learning how to knit, and made a bunny that somehow looks at everyone with suspicion.

3. Celebrate small milestones

The big milestones, the goals we have, may be on the backburner for a while. I have a half marathon in New York next month, I’ve had another respiratory infection, so my original finish time goal is again out the window. I will still go and complete it.

Any accomplishment, no matter how small, is a significant part of the journey. Did you get out of bed today? Did you clean your teeth? I’ve celebrated getting through a day without vomiting! A matching pair of socks. Taking a shower. Standing outside for a few minutes, before I was able to go for walks again. Anything and everything that was an improvement on the day before.

It’s a bit like driving a car, you know how to drive, you know you need to put fuel in, but you don’t know what will happen when you’re driving. I’m learning a few new things again now that I have the menopause thrown in. Only you know what your body is feeling, and when you’re learning to live with an illness it’s very much a case of trial and error. You will make mistakes. I still make them after 15 years. When you can let go of other people’s opinions, when you can catch yourself being unkind or negative, and accept you know best for yourself, you can be your authentic self. Then you can trust yourself more, believe you can thrive, and live the life you want.

And that’s it for this week.

If you enjoyed this episode, please share, so that we can get this out to other people who would like to take back the life a chronic illness stole from them.

And remember, you are worth it, and you get to choose.

Have a lovely day.