114 – Cultivate self-kindness

Hello loves,

At the recent new moon, I decided that my biggest wish for myself will be to cultivate what I crave. Often when we feel unhappy, or that something is missing, be it in a relationship, at work, friendships, it can be a big clue that we are not giving something to ourselves. On the last episode I talked about [ ], and this is a follow-on to that in a way.

When we are kind to ourselves, it can help us to respond more effectively when we face challenges as it can help us to feel what we are feeling, and by being kind to ourselves it can make it easier to be kind to others.

When we are critical of ourselves, we tend to avoid what is causing us stress or anxiety and then we have a tendency to numb.

In my case, more recently, watching Grey’s Anatomy… When we are critical of ourselves, we often then seek love and reassurance from others, and if this doesn’t happen because we either push them away, or they don’t respond how we expect them to, it can cause further conflict towards them, and towards ourselves.

When we are kind to ourselves it can seem like we’re making excuses. For instance, when we are exhausted and feeling unwell the kind thing to do would be to rest, but instead we see this as laziness.

I have said a few times about how grief and gratitude can be held in one hand. The same is true of all emotions, and it validates what we are experiencing. For example, you can love your partner, and be angry with them. You don’t stop loving them just because you’re annoyed. The same is true for yourself. You can like yourself, and feel bad for a mistake that you made. You don’t let the mistake cancel out liking yourself.

Here are 3 ways to cultivate self-kindness:

1. Self-care, regardless of how we feel.

All the things that are kind and nurturing to us. Light a candle, savour a cup of coffee, reading for fun, dancing, being in nature, stretching. These are often more important when we are being unkind to ourselves. It brings us back to the conscious thought of kindness.

The dancing one might sound a little weird. It references back to Grey’s. When Christina and Meredith had a bad day, they’d dance it out. Emotions are energy in motion, so get them moving!

What do you do for others because you care? Can you do those things for yourself?

We hug others to help them feel better. Do the same for yourself. Put your hand on your heart and take a few deep breaths. Wrap your arms around yourself. Wrap up tightly in a blanket. That’s why weighted blankets are so effective.

2. Paint a picture.

Not literally, unless you want to. As feelings and thoughts come up, imagine a kind and supportive loved one responding to you. Even if that person has passed away. Maybe it’s a character from a tv show, or a film. Speak what you are feeling, and imagine them responding to you. Sometimes I talk to my gran, who passed away over 20 years ago. Sometimes I voice note my best friend. I don’t always send it, often saying it out loud to her into my phone is enough to hear what she’d say back to me.

Slowly it’ll be easier to say kind things to yourself.

3. Use a term of endearment for yourself

How often do you call yourself terrible names when you are berating yourself? Or, worse, the name a parent, caregiver, or bully called you? My name is pronounced Lorraine (luh·rayn), but if my mother decided I wasn’t meeting her expectations, or I was in trouble for any random reason, it was Lorraine (lor-rayn).

My nickname is Ronni. My family and best friends all call me that, except my mother. In my 20s only work colleagues and my mother called me Lorraine. After I left my ex-husband, I introduced myself to everyone as Lorraine. So if someone calls me Ronni, you know they are likely a long-standing and beloved friend. Some of my dearest friends call me Lozza.

There’s some research to suggest that it’s easier to be kinder to ourselves when we call ourselves by a name, as if in the third-person, instead of I or my.

What’s a name others call you, that you could call yourself to evoke feeling loved when you’re not offering it to yourself. Try it. I definitely sound nicer saying a sentence with Lozza, than I do saying the same sentence with I or you to myself.

When we show kindness to others, it helps us to reconnect with the kindness to ourselves as another human. To have self-compassion that, as a human, we are doing the best we can. When we can turn the kindness we show others onto ourselves it can strengthen our ability to care, nourish, and understand others as well as ourselves.

And that’s it for this week.

If you enjoyed this episode, please share, so that we can get this out to other people who would like to take back the life a chronic illness stole from them.

And remember, you are worth it, and you get to choose.

Have a lovely day.