How many coping mechanisms are you resorting to just to get through the day? Along with the sales of toilet rolls and hand soap, alcohol sales have skyrocketed in the last couple of months with us all sheltering in place. Data from the Office for National Statistics shows that alcohol sales were 29% higher compared to March of last year. Alcohol Change UK found that we are drinking differently in lockdown with 21% reported to be drinking more frequently. Conversely, more than one in three people have reduced how often they drink. Six per cent have stopped drinking entirely.

My drinking dropped in the first few weeks of lockdown because the change to the day job dynamic meant that we’re not having the socials we usually do, and I have different types of stress, but, that has changed the past couple of weeks. I was in the supermarket and they had one of their promo sites with a flavour of gin I was intrigued by. I don’t like gin, it’s bottom on the list of what I’d choose. Over four nights (over two weekends), I have managed to consume half the bottle mixed with four litres of tonic water. I was curious Sunday and tried the gin with sparkling water. It turns out that the taste I’m after is the tonic water itself and not the gin, which barely had any taste at all. Still not a fan of gin.

Many of us have realised that it’s not that we don’t have time for something, it’s that we didn’t have an interest in the first place. I would order a takeaway because I’d be too busy. Erm… no. I just couldn’t be bothered to cook, would rather lose myself in the tv, and I wanted a takeaway. In the area I live, with a couple of restaurants closed, it is taking at least an extra hour for Indian/Chinese/pizza delivery. The excuse of a takeaway is quicker is no longer valid when it takes almost two hours to arrive.

The bigger point is why we’re drinking differently.

How are you coping, really?

The dictionary definition of coping is to deal effectively with something difficult. Hence, coping mechanisms are any action to help you deal with your emotions. When we use external things to change how we feel internally, searching for the Dopamine hit. Doing one thing to avoid another. Avoiding an argument by going for a run. Drinking alcohol instead of feeling your feelings, or to get through a difficult evening with someone. Netflix binges instead of working, and then staying up late to catch up on the work you missed. Internet shopping…I “spent” over £1k in an online store a couple of weeks ago because I was bored (fortunately I didn’t actually click on checkout).

Coping mechanisms are financially, physically, emotionally expensive. Ask anyone in a 12-step programme and they will tell you that by avoiding emotions with alcohol, food, drugs, sex, spending, they have ruined their health, bank accounts, relationships, and their life. Depending on how far into the programme they are will also determine if they tell you that it’s ruined the health, bank accounts, relationships and lives of their loved ones too.

So coping mechanisms are, amongst other poisons, are –

• Alcohol
• Drugs
• Food
• Exercise
• Coffee
• Smoking
• Shopping
• Scrolling through social media
• Binge watching TV when you should be going to bed (avoiding being alone with your thoughts, or with someone else, or with both).

The above are not always a coping mechanism. You will know the difference because it will have a negative impact on you or you are creating it through negative emotion. And yes, being happy and feeling guilty for it is a negative emotion.

Why we resort to coping mechanisms

In short – our thoughts in response to a circumstance.

Through the media we are constantly bombarded with ways to feel pleasure. The pleasure of food, the pleasure of drinking, the pleasure of purchasing, the pleasure of spending money. They make a lot money out of it, taking advantage of the burst of dopamine that we crave. They’ve convinced us it’s as important as survival. They’re so important to us because they have tricked our brain into thinking that that pleasure, that dopamine hit is the most important thing. We feel entitled to that hit and we pick up what we need to over and over again.

The kids never picks up after themselves. Your husband can’t load the dishwasher properly, or put his clothes actually in the wash basket. Your boss is a knob. The cat kicks the litter all over the carpet. Your mother never stops picking holes in you. Even if it’s true, there’s no benefit to being annoyed about it. We trick our own brain. You know how you reward kids with good behaviour? That’s what we’re doing here to ourselves with bad behaviour and bad rewards. So, if your first thought is “fuck this, I’m going for a cigarette” it becomes a Pavlovian response to a circumstance. Taking an action without any thought or dealing with what you’re feeling doesn’t make them go away, do it often enough and it just tells your brain this is how we do things. Hello new (bad) habit.

Why coping mechanisms are only a short-term fix

Hands up if you think that exercise to avoid emotions couldn’t possibly have any negative consequences? When I’m feeling really bothered by something I’ll go for a run as it helps to clear my head. Many of my running friends are the same. Exercise is very beneficial. When you exercise do you listen to music/podcasts, audio books or prefer your own thoughts? If the thought of having to work out without music fills you with dread, take a closer look as to why.

What happens if exercise is taken away? You get injured? By not having a more constructive way to process your feelings you’re not only stuck on the sofa completely pissed that you can’t run, you’re also dealing with the emotions that you can no longer outrun and over-eating and drinking blaming it on not being able to run, when really it’s what’s already been said – you can’t deal with the uncomfortable emotions.

We don’t really like uncomfortable emotions, me included. But I want you to know, these coping mechanisms don’t help. Sure, they make a great mask of hiding the issue to ourselves or for hiding ourselves to the rest of the world, but as soon as the alcohol, sugar, endorphins wear off it all comes flooding back, and then you either have to deal with it, or pick up your poison again.

How it goes wrong

I think we all do it in different little ways. We’re experiencing something unpleasant such as anger, stress, loneliness, and we try to make the experience more pleasant by picking up our coping mechanism. Anything that helps us escape from that emotion.

Are we now actually happier? Or, have we just put ourselves into a place that makes us less aware of it.

You’re on your third glass of wine and laughing with your friends, is that genuine happiness? A couple more glasses and now you’re screaming at everyone, are you now really that angry?

You’ve been watching tv all day, another set of adverts come on, you’re now crying your eyes out. Are you truly upset at that advert?

All those problems, job, marriage, family, money, weight, they’re just circumstances in your life. They just are there, happening to everyone every day. The same circumstance happens to a couple of us or more and we each react differently. Why? We have thoughts about them, and those thoughts create feelings. Circumstance are only shitty if we believe they are.

How it goes right

How many times have you thought “if only X would happen, then I would be happy”? That X being an external factor. Something you have absolutely no control over. Sorry hon, doesn’t work that way.

If you want those results you have to take action. Positive action. You want more money? Stop spending it. You want to lose weight? Step away from the food. You want a better relationship with your partner, kids? Put down the phone, turn off the tv. These actions only happen when you take positive steps towards dealing with circumstances. By thinking about what you are thinking. By not picking up. The more often you take the positive action instead of the negative, you create a new habit, and with that new habit comes confidence and a sense of calm.

I’m not suggesting that it will be easy. Not only is picking up a bad habit really hard to break, it’s usually also the more pleasant of the two choices that we need to give up. Chocolate is so much better than our emotions, right?

Life isn’t all happiness. We need the crappy stuff to appreciate the good stuff. There is no Utopia. As soon as you recognise that you can be absolutely fine living life authentically willingly feeling happy and unhappy, then you will find the thoughts causing your emotions and get authority over them.

One question to ask yourself to bring more awareness to your thoughts

As an example of thoughts affecting circumstance let’s consider my New York marathon vs my Berlin marathon.

New York, November, 18˚c, sunny, dry. Everyone is happy, plenty of crowds cheering us on, so much to look at on the route, and NEW YORK!!! LOVED IT. Even though I fell and hurt my foot and had to hobble the last couple of miles

Berlin, September, 13˚c, heavy rain all day. Majority of people were miserable, not many crowds to cheer us, hardly anything to look at on the route, and the exhaust fumes!!. At the half-marathon marker I put my iPod on. HATED IT.

I don’t run listening to music, preferring to process my thoughts, but I couldn’t bear it any longer. It wasn’t the weather for me, I love to run in the rain as it keeps me cooler. If the Berlin experience had been my first marathon, I probably would never do another.

Your emotions are an indicator of what’s going on for you. So, to be authentic you have to be willing to experience the negative emotions without looking for an escape route. By removing the coping mechanisms you resort to, you will remove all the negative consequences that come with it. If you over-eat, you will lose weight if you’re no longer picking up food to avoid your emotions. If you stop drinking, there’ll be no more embarrassing moments, no hangovers, no worrying as to what you got up to, but don’t remember, not having to apologise for anything.

Have you considered how your life would be better? The next time that you’re reaching for the cake, heading to the fridge, picking up your phone, I want you to ask yourself one question:

What am I avoiding?

Once you can see the problem, you find a solution that fits the problem. Not one that you put between you and your emotions by constantly avoiding yourself.

Honestly, thinking it all through, that’s the easy part. The hard part is the feelings that you will be left with. They have important information for you. By choosing to feel your emotions, you might feel a little bit of withdrawal or deprivation at first.

To find the solution, first name the emotion you are feeling. Then ask yourself what you are thinking to be feeling this way, what circumstance has given you those thoughts. Now ask yourself are your thoughts true? What if they’re not? Have you considered all aspects of the circumstance or are you only looking at it from your perspective?

It’s telling you what you’re thinking, what you’re believing, how you’re going to act and show up in the world. Once you have acknowledged your thoughts, and your true feelings, you can choose what action you want to take. You can choose to be authentic.

Choosing to live authentically, is fundamentally what will give you confidence to show up, to be able to fail and bounce back from it.

But, when you can stop and say “Not today brain, I’m the one in control” … then you’ve found what you are capable of and you’ll begin to get the result you always wanted!

To help you on your way to beating your brain and those bad habits, click below for worksheet to help process your thoughts and actions.