Who do you surround yourself with?

Way back in the early days of my illness, my people changed. I was expecting it. I’d seen it happen to the vast majority of cancer patients that came through my department. It was hard and painful at the time, but it was time for me to pull back from certain people in my life, and cut others out entirely. I wanted to be around people who didn’t see me as limited, who didn’t treat me with kid gloves, and to be around people who inspired me. I wanted to be in that less-than-5% who live a “normal” life. My biggest fear was that I would become one of the others. That I’d need to move back in with my parents, or have carers, or worse – be one of the 30%+ that decides there’s only one way to live with it, and that’s to not live at all.

So when your life has been dramatically changed, or if you’re choosing that dramatic change, there are four types of good people you need in your life.

Why it’s important to surround yourself with good people

We all have our own story. With memories of the ups that we cherish fondly and proudly, and of the downs that we regret and (hopefully) learn from.

We all want to be happy. To be successful. We want great careers/businesses, fulfilling and loving relationships, to be financially secure. Are you doing as well as you’d hoped?

I’m sure you’ve heard that we are the sum of the five people we spend our time with. We are reflections of the people we interact with, their behaviour, choices, actions, all subconsciously ruling our everyday choices.

These people have a huge influence on your mood, your world view, and the expectations you have of yourself. When you surround yourself with good, positive, happy people, you’re more likely to be positive and open-minded, strive for more, and find it easier to deal with the typical dat-to-day stuff. The same is said of the negative, pessimistic, grumpy people in your life, if you spend time with them, you’ll complain all the time, be moody, be unbearable and struggle to deal with the petty little things that would not normally bother you if you were in a better place in your head.

It’s important to surround yourself with people who help you, genuinely care, make you laugh. You are in complete control of your choices and your life. Where you choose to spend your time is just as important as who it’s with. Say, for instance, your boss is an arse, but the office you work in is lovely, and the majority of your colleagues are lovely. Which of the two has more influence over how you feel each day? Could one cancel out the other? Probably, though the boss would put a serious dent in your mood if you let it. But, if you’re in an environment that’s as unpleasant as the people, then no surprise you’ll be unhappy. Misery loves company, and miserable people love nothing more than making others as miserable as they are, as that actually makes them feel better.

I saw this a lot in the rooms – one addict would be in a horrid mindset and would slowly chip away at the others in the room until they were irritated and miserable as well, and once achieved would sit smugly on the sidelines because now they were not the only failure again.

How to surround yourself with good people

Like begets like. Thoughts become things. Confucius wrote “If you are the smartest person in the room, then you are in the wrong room”. To improve in life, you have to raise your standards. Your inner circle needs a spring clean.

Don’t fall into the trap of spending time with people just because you have the same beliefs, and do the same things. Group think can be a toxic thing. Have you heard the saying that one person is intelligent, but a group is stupid?

I get it, some people we can’t get rid of, but this isn’t about reducing your life to five other people, it’s about those you spend the most time with, listening to, learning from.

These people don’t have to be people in your life. For a while there was a podcaster who was a huge influence on my life.

The one with the positivity

Proximity is power. If the people you spend the most time with are who you eventually become, then to reach new heights of success, you must surround yourself with people who not only inspire you, but challenge you.

If so, then why would you choose to spend time with those who bring negativity and distraction into your life?

Our emotions are there to tell us how we feel about something, rightly or wrongly. Our emotions are valid. So, after spending time with someone, how do they make you feel? Happy? Ready to take on the world? The kind of people you don’t have to make an effort with, they just “get” you? Or, do you feel upset, annoyed, empty, afraid? That’s a sign they’re not good for you.

I know from experience it’s not easy to step back from relationships that are lacking. You might have known some of these people for a long time. There’s no need to burn bridges, but you don’t need to feel obligated because they are “old friends” or that you owe them something. Why do you feel that you need to keep the friendship going?

The one who elevates you

Don’t let fear hold you back and ruin your life. Which of your goals and objectives are absolute musts? Are you trying to grow? Your relationships are a direct reflection of what you are spending your time on. Yes, there’ll be people who are afraid that by you wanting to change will affect them too, but when you choose people who share your ambitions, who cheer you on, it makes such a huge difference.

My running pace is much slower since getting sick, but there are a couple of people in my life who will be out there with me in the freezing cold, cheering me on, no matter how long it might take.

The one who is already successful

Is there someone that’s doing what you want to do, or be? Then that’s the one. They might not realise they have a strategy for success, but you can learn from them. What habits do they have? How do they network? You could also research and join a mastermind group. I found my group quite organically and got to know the lady running it for a while before signing up to it.

The one outside your comfort zone

Imagine you have a lot of weight to lose. Who else better than someone doing the things you need to do to get there? Go hang out where the fit people are. That’s the gym, running, yoga, bootcamp. They’re not going to be on your sofa. You have to get out of your comfort zone.

We all can learn from anyone. Don’t think that just because someone is fitter than you that they don’t want to train with you. Yes, I had an experience at my local running club where the woman running the beginners told me I was too slow, and since the couch-to-5k era arrived they have too adopted this type of running class, and she ain’t leading it.

I have made many good friends at the back of the pack. We were there once, we remember what it’s like, and we’re more than happy to help you along. Know why? Because some days we still feel like that turtle in treacle ourselves, and motivating you is the best way to motivate me.

The surround yourself strength is also the weakness

It’s also important to be aware that the strength of surrounding yourself with good people is also its weakness. It’s an ever-evolving process. Be aware of how you progress through life and your goals, as your people will need to change again. In the end, finding your people is a matter of looking for them. Stop wasting your energy on people who bring you down. Take all that focus to your new goal, surround yourself with people who are positive, smart and supportive. And never, ever, take advice from someone who you wouldn’t swap places with. It isn’t always easy, but it’s worth it.