A million-dollar question these days is: what about the lies we tell ourselves? What if I told you that you tell yourself more a day than you think, and they’re probably not what you think they are? Every. Single. Day!

There’s the obvious lies we tell ourselves – “I don’t have enough time”, “so-and-so doesn’t like me”, “I’m happy in my marriage, everyone has bad days”. That last one was me. He didn’t have bad days, he had a bad couple of years! Then there’s the less-obvious such as “it’s not fair” or “I made a mistake, I must be a bad person”. We’ll tell ourselves what we need to soothe a difficult situation. It’s as if you make up rules to try to stop it happening again, or to justify why it did in the first place.

They fall into two categories: what we believe we control, and what we believe to be fair. We create rules for ourselves and for others and when we or they don’t adhere to these rules, we have a problem. Technically known as cognitive distortions, or stinkin;’ thinkin’ these thoughts can cause chaos if we let them. When something upsetting happens such as an argument at work, with a partner, failing a test, we think about it in a way that reinforces negativity. Yes, feeling bad may be an element of learning from our mistakes, it can become a sneaky little sod leading you to believe that there’s so much wrong in your life, when actually there isn’t. This results in low self-esteem, and if you believe in karma, self-fulfilling prophecy or the law of attraction, then plenty more crap is heading your way. Romance movies have a lot to answer for.

Big, fat, lie number one – Control

You believe: You have no control over your life and are a helpless victim. Such as “I can’t help it if it’s not suitable, everyone’s been demanding my time and I had to work late.”

OR you believe: You have complete control of yourself, your surroundings, and everyone else, taking on the responsibility for the feelings of those around you, blaming yourself if it goes wrong for them. Such as assuming you are the centre of the universe – “why are you annoyed, is it because of me?”

Both beliefs are damaging, and are equally inaccurate. No one has complete control of what happens to them, or what happens around them.

The only control is how you choose to react to a situation.

Control also includes our expectation of others to change. We believe if we pressure, nag, cajole enough then the other person will become who or do what we want them to. This is linked to co-dependence, low self-esteem and victim-mentality as you are pinning your hopes, dreams, and happiness onto someone else and you couldn’t possibly succeed unless they change. Such as “if they’ll just stop doing that thing that irritates me, I’ll be a much better person”. Perfectionists do this. If only they would be perfect, then I could be happy.

Big, fat, lie number two – Fairness

Remember being told “life isn’t fair”? It would be lovely to live in a fair and just world, but recent events have proven that we don’t. When people think they know what is fair, but others won’t agree with them, they feel resentful. I have this in my day-job. There are a couple of women who are resentful of my salary and feel it’s only fair they should be earning the same. They are contracted to work less hours than me, they don’t work outside of their hours, nor have a work phone, etc. etc. nor do they want any of this yet they choose to ignore those facts, preferring to feel resentful, and angry. If you apply your own rules to what is fair, and believe others are privileged without truly looking at the facts, bitterness ensues.

Within fairness also falls “Heaven’s Reward”. You’ll see this one everywhere. People self-sacrifice and self-deny because they believe some ultimate power is keeping score and you’ll get rewarded at the end. In a fair world, if you work hard you should get rewarded as such, but working hard by creating extra work for yourself and others is not working hard. One colleague would spends hours creating forms she thought were needed. Management didn’t view this as working hard, or helpful, but time-wasting, and not doing the job that should have been done. Yet, she felt she was working hard and not being rewarded.

Sometimes no matter how hard we work or how much we sacrifice, we will not achieve what we hope for. To be sure we will is a potentially damaging pattern of thought that can result in disappointment, frustration, anger, and even depression when the awaited reward doesn’t come.

Start telling yourself the truth

Take a look at your “rules”. Consider the circumstance. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture. How do you feel? How does it help you? How does it hurt you? Where does it come from?

Talk with others, but actually really listen. See their perspective. What are the facts? If those women at work would listen they’d learn, pro-rata, that I actually earn less than them…

For more help, download my worksheet for the ultimate questions to kick those rules to the kerb.