Hello, my name is Lorraine and I’m a recovering perfectionist.. I didn’t think I needed to break free of perfectionism. If I could get everything perfect then I wouldn’t be hurt again, my illness wouldn’t relapse again. What I meant was if I could control everyone and everything around me then I would be ok. I created a world where I was further from ok than I dreamed possible.
Perfectionism is fear-based and very closely linked with procrastination. I thought if it wasn’t perfect then I’d failed, or I’d be rejected, and I’d be so concerned about it being perfect that I wouldn’t start at all! You can’t control everything, it’s not possible. Do you enjoy being this miserable? Hate to break it to you, but not starting is still failing…
Signs of perfectionism
Do any of these seem familiar to you?
- All or nothing mindset, black or white, no meeting half-way, no grey. Everything is absolute.
- You are your own worst critic and will beat yourself up over the smallest detail of what you consider failure (again, a failure in itself).
- Hyper-critical of mistakes. Yours especially, but sometimes others.
- You must be the best, even things you don’t really care about.
- You’ll risk your own wellbeing (stay up late, skip meals, skip exercise etc) just to get something perfect.
- Over-analyse. If something doesn’t go as you hoped for, you’ll let it play on your mind trying to find out why it didn’t, what’s wrong with you, why does it keep happening etc.
- It’s all about the end goal, not the journey.
- You dread that others might find out you’re not perfect.
Break free of perfectionism tricks
All is not lost, taking it a step at a time and trying the following can get you onto a calmer, more self-accepting path and break free of perfectionism.
- Be aware of your motivation for perfect. Do you fear failure, rejection?
- Remember that no one else knows what perfect should look like.
- The perfect post, dress, etc you see of someone else may not be perfect to them.
- Respect and love yourself.
- Focus on what is in your wheel-house and delegate the rest to others. You really don’t have to do everything. Trying to do everything will reduce the quality of your strengths making it even further from perfect.
- Remember that the steps you want to take are not the only options. You might feel you’ve fallen off track when really you might now be on the right one.
- Find ways to enjoy the journey. Celebrate the wins along the way.
- The only control you have is how you react to something.
“Done, not perfect” became my mantra a few years ago when I was juggling work and studying, and I had more and more moments of feeling out of control. Learning to let go has been liberating for me, and weirdly I feel more in control now I have less control, because I can control my reactions.
“Done, not perfect” has also now become a mantra for some of my clients. Feel free to steal it too and email me to let me know how you got on.
