Guilt can have a powerful hold over us. How we deal with guilt is extremely important, accepting it when it is appropriate and letting it go when it’s unnecessary. Much of the guilt we feel is unnecessary. How often do you find yourself saying “should”? Shoulds such as do, feel, think, be are all imposed on us by others.

Like shame and embarrassment, guilt has been described as a self-conscious emotion of experiencing conflict at having done something they believe they should not have done, or for having not done something they believe they should have done.

Whilst shame and guilt are similar concepts, guilt is I did something bad, whereas shame is I am bad.

Not everyone feels guilt in the same way. Some of us can feel guilt for doing barely anything at all, in both senses of the term. For those with illnesses such as depression, guilt is an emotion that tends to feature far too much.

Learned through normal childhood development, guilt lets us know we’ve broken a rule or gone against your values, and now you feel guilty about it. Guilt is uncomfortable. The only way you will deal with guilt and resolve the discomfort is to take responsibility, develop a greater sense of self-awareness of how your behaviour affects others, and then make changes so that we don’t do it again. We also need to forgive ourselves.

Appropriateness of guilt

There are varying degrees of guilt, and the word itself is thrown around so easily.

The purpose of appropriate guilt is to help us learn when our behaviour has hurt or offended others, or ourselves. Such as, we could say something hurtful. We could put career over family. Or, much worse, such as having an affair. We feel guilt with a purpose – change or risk losing what you love most.

Then we have inappropriate guilt that serves no rational purpose. Many working mothers will be subject to this. They feel guilty, or use the term feeling guilty, for going to work, for needing time to themselves, etc. We don’t need to make changes to this behaviour, this is a form of societal punishment. Children develop normal, healthy, lives when both parents work and there’s plenty of research to show that children, especially girls, have higher esteem with a working mother when it is explained in a positive, loving way, and not that they’re being abandoned.

Food guilt is an interesting example of when guilt is both appropriate and inappropriate. If you’re feeling shit after binging on an excess of chocolate, pizza, crisps, etc. then it’s appropriate in that you know you should change your behaviour, however, if you feel guilt after only one bar of chocolate, then it’s inappropriate and you need to look deeper into why, and where you learned it from.

Question it the next time you feel guilty. Is it trying to teach you something rational and helpful about your behaviour, or is it just an emotional, irrational response to a situation?

Learn, then change

You know how people say ‘if you apologise and then do it again, you weren’t really sorry the first time‘…? and/or ‘actions speak louder than words‘…?

If the guilt is appropriate, because you said or did something hurtful to someone or yourself, it’s not enough to simply apologise – take appropriate action. Ask yourself “What can I do to make sure I don’t make the same mistake again?”. What have you learned, and how have those lessons improved your life and you as a person?

Annoyingly for many of us, sometimes, even though we know the lesson guilt is trying to teach us, we will make the same mistake again until we actually learn the lesson.

Remember that appropriate guilt is alerting to us that we need to do something differently in order to repair relationships important to us, including our own self-esteem. If we learn, we’ll be less likely to do it again in the future.

Practice mindfulness. It will be far too easy easy to slip into old habits and of doing things leading to making the same mistakes again if you don’t stay aware of your thoughts, emotions, and behaviours.

Inappropriate guilt, however, is there purely to make us feel crap with no real mistake you need to learn from and robs power from us. How to deal with inappropriate guilt is a different ball game. Instead try to understand why you feel guilty for something most other people wouldn’t. Reflect on what was beyond your control, acknowledge what you know now that you didn’t in the past, and consider whether your rules for yourself are too harsh or unforgiving.

Move on

If you’re feeling guilt because you really did something wrong or hurtful, accept that you cannot change the past. But, you can own it. Accept the consequences your actions had, make amends for it, if and when appropriate, which will depend on what it was. Apologising sooner rather than later, means both parties can start to heal sooner. Trying to do more and more will further damage the relationship. Constantly bringing it up, the same as holding a grudge, keeps dragging it out, and increases the risk that you’ll lose someone. Genuine apologies only. We can spot a fake one just because you’re trying to deal with your guilt a mile off. Remember, once you’ve apologised it’s still up to them to want to forgive you.

Understand why you did it, which of your own needs where you trying to meet considering what was happening at the time. This isn’t about finding excuses, this is about understanding if you were doing the best you could at the time. Then forgive yourself and let it go.

No one is perfect. People may appear to have happy, guilt-free lives, looking perfect to us, but it’s not true. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone has to deal with guilt. It’s part of being human.

The biggest mistake would be to then wallow in it, blaming yourself for days, weeks, months, years with those bloody shoulds. Should have known better, done better, been better.

Life is life, we’re all going to mess up every once in a while. Also, get rid of the people that don’t “allow” you to make mistakes.

Yes guilt has an important purpose, but it’s not always valid. Focus on the guilt if you’ve legitimately caused harm. Otherwise, look at your guilt, try to find where it really came from, and ask yourself is it helping you live a better life?

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