Being able to build confidence is important for both your physical and mental health. Social media seems to actively encourage comparing ourselves to others. Sometimes we lack confidence in certain areas of our life: at work, you’ve convinced yourself you’re not a good parent, or maybe it’s meeting new people.
If you were to ask anyone who knows me to describe me in three words or less, the one that always comes up is “confident”. From my self-assurance that I can fix (almost) any problem to walking into a room of 100 strangers to train them in computer software: confidence. I have it in spades.
Or do I…? Aged 20 I was reading the poem “Us Two” from Winnie the Pooh at my sister’s wedding. I was already training rooms full of strangers for work, so public speaking wasn’t unknown to me. I remember it clearly – my legs were shaking, I felt like I was on fire, and having a wavering voice the entire time, I squeaked the final “says Pooh“. Yet after the ceremony, without having shared how I thought it went, people were telling me how confident I seemed, how steady my voice was, how graceful and poised I am. Ha! If only they knew. Way back then I knew what it meant to be a swan, gliding across the water with poise, yet no one sees that the feet are paddling like crazy.
I’m a great swan!
The dictionary definition of confidence is “the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something”.
When we feel confident, we trust in our own abilities and judgement.
Confidence means believing in yourself, feeling comfortable with who you are, and recognizing that you have worth. When you feel confident, the way you present yourself to the world changes. People believe in you. What’s more, the way you present yourself can have a profound impact on the new opportunities that come your way.
When we’re confident in others, we trust in their ability to do what they say they will.
For many, confidence is attractive. A person who can build confidence and believes in themselves and what they are doing is definitely more attractive than a person who cowers on the sidelines hoping no one will notice them.
But. There is a very fine line between confidence and arrogance. “The best kind of confidence is like a classical virtue: it strikes the “golden mean” between self-doubt and arrogance, allowing a person to embody his or her positive traits without bragging about them.” – Psychology Today
I don’t keep it a secret that I’m an introvert, and it’s a very common misconception that introverts are obviously lacking in confidence and that extroverts are clearly brimming with it. I know many extroverts that feel they have no confidence at all. It takes a lot more than simply where you rest and rebuild your energy from. Whilst some of us are much quieter, and less open than others (both introverts and extroverts), it doesn’t mean we’re any less confident.
Top 5 positive traits to build confidence
- Patience: confident people have the ability to accept delay or difficulty in a calm, assured, manner. They know that eventually it all comes out ok. Seeing the bigger picture and having solutions in hand ahead of a problem increasing, or indeed before a problem becomes a problem, independent critical analysis is a key weapon in a confident person’s arsenal. We all know the quote “it’s not what happens to you, it’s how you deal with it“.
- Perseverance: “Stubborn” as my mother prefers to call it… Confident people are able to continue in spite of difficulty, or even a lack of success. They have a very good handle on failure, and that success doesn’t come without it. Confident people are more likely to take risks because they are not afraid to fail. Confident people know that starting again is always possible. Failure is a positive.
- Ambitious/competitive: confident people generally know what they want, and they want to win. Interestingly, many still believe that they win even when others may consider they have actually lost. They look for the good in all situations and what can be learned from each one. They know that all experiences are a lesson to learn from.
- Accepting: confident people tend to take others as they are, regardless of shortcomings and realise that the path to success is within themselves and boosting others, not in breaking others down. Confident people are more likely to be a good judge of character. With the belief that they belong in the environment that they are in, they can quickly assess people, situations and respond in the most appropriate manner.
- Honesty: confident people are honest in their opinions and their ability to express their needs. A confident person will say if they believe they are being over or under-worked. A confident person will rarely play the victim assigning blame to someone or something else, wondering “why me?” or “I give up”. They will say that they have tried all they can for now and will take a break/do something else before taking a fresh look at it.
It’s also how you connect to the word. What makes you feel confident. The above traits are apt, yet the level of confidence can vary because of a great dress, or a good hair day, maybe how you slept the night before. Sometimes you’ll find yourself fitting in with one trait a lot more than the others.
We’re not born innately gifted at confidence. We learn it. Some during childhood, others have to learn as adults. We can do many things to help build confidence. Similarly to motivation, trying and not giving up works well. Step back from social media, and definitely unfollow those accounts that make you feel bad about yourself. Find some exercise you enjoy. Even making time to read a book, or go for a walk. Putting yourself first is a great way to build confidence.
It’s very important to note that there’s one reason that confident people have these traits – practice! What you think, you become!
