Seems an odd thing to ask doesn’t it – do you like yourself? The typical immediate response is usually a dismissive snort and “of course I do”. Followed by “well, except for [insert relevant body part(s) here] and/or [insert relevant character flaw(s) here]. So, I’ll ask again. Do you like yourself?
As a search engine, our brain is always looking for evidence and knows no difference between positive and negative. If you stand in the mirror and say to yourself “I don’t like my legs” and list all the faults with them (because it’s never just one thing, is it?), the brain will go off looking for other things about you that you don’t like, and before you know it you feel pretty shitty about yourself.
Don’t beat yourself up
I have a love/not-so-much-love relationship with my legs. Years of meds for my illness, and the illness itself, have left them with damage that is taking a long time to repair, some of the vein damage will probably end up needing surgery to repair. So, that’s a huge no. As soon as I catch myself saying it, I remind myself that these legs have finished marathons, these marks are because I’m surviving my illness. My legs are actually quite the powerhouse. What can you find that you like instead?
Be with your own thoughts
Can you be in silence, or do you need music or the tv on in the background. If you’re a walker/runner/cyclist/etc, can you head out into nature and be in your own thoughts, or do you always have to put those headphones in? My need to hear what’s going on around me meant I have always struggled to run with headphones, so I had to learn to be in my own head.
Be alone
Do you surround yourself with others because you can’t be alone. Do you binge eat, drink, etc, when alone because being on your own is too uncomfortable.
How to learn to like yourself
Practice with a few minutes each day, see what thoughts come up, don’t judge them, let them go. If it’s something you need to do then write it down and let the thought go. As you let the thoughts go, feel the feelings you most want to feel, for the rest of your life.
After a week or two, add a couple of more minutes. Build up to ten, 15, 20, 30. Keep going.
Add looking at yourself in the mirror and telling yourself what you like about you. Yes, it feels really daft at first, but it does honestly get easier.
If you need to be around others, look for what they are saying to you that validates you, and start saying it to yourself. Esteem that can’t be undone comes from the inside.
If any thoughts or feelings seem overwhelming, ask yourself:
- What is the worst part of this?
- What am I feeling right now?
- What’s the worse that could happen?
- What do you need?
As your brain starts to tell you, pay attention, and see what you need to work on. Focus on what’s causing you to want to do something, instead of the aftermath. So if you overeat, look to why you overate, not to the shame, guilt etc you feel after.
What we’re seeking/what we need
Often times, instead of food, alcohol, shopping, etc, we’re seeking the following:
- Intimacy
- Movement
- Safety
- Connection
- Quiet
- Laughter
- Touch
- Newness
- Purpose
Think beyond your present thoughts, when you can clearly imagine how confident and proud you will think and feel, start feeling and thinking like that today. Notice your thoughts and feelings, but move on from judging yourself.
Roy T. Bennett said “focus on your strengths, not your weaknesses. Focus on your character, not your reputation. Focus on your blessings, not your misfortunes.”
Remember, look into yourself, do not judge yourself, and do not let others invalidate you.
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