When everything seems to be going wrong how do you deal with life when you feel down and exhausted. What can you do when things go wrong?

For me, the past few days have felt rather pants. I spoke with the hospital last week. My surgery was delayed because of Covid, but now they are looking to book people in. The sentence that got me? “Everyone in your household has to shield for 14 days”. Well, everyone in the household is me and the cat, and I don’t think that Dots counts. My last four operations have coincided with being single. And here we are. Again.

That’s life

How many times have you heard “to have the good stuff in life, the crappy stuff happens or we can’t appreciate the good”? Yep, really helpful right now… or, well so-and-so has it much worse than you. How many times have you said that to yourself?

Yes, someone has it worse, but that does not invalidate your thoughts or feelings. The level of emotion you are feeling cannot be calculated by outward circumstances, after all, millionaires are also susceptible to mental health issues.

Change your perspective

I let myself sit in the “still bloody single” process for a while, to feel those emotions, because they’re real, I am entitled to them. However, our emotions are created by what we think. And our brains are liars!

Because, I made this decision. I decided single is better than settling. I was married to a guy who put his work above taking me to the hospital, and any guy since who has shown similar tendencies has been shown the door. Add a few other stressy situations, though, and it can feel all too much.

As Nichiren Daishonin wrote, “Suffer what there is to suffer. Enjoy what there is to enjoy. Regard both suffering and joy as facts of life.“

The real answer about what to do when everything seems to be going wrong? Find a way to transform your perspective so that obstacles feel like opportunities.

Tricks I’ve used

From dealing with leaving a not-so-pleasant husband, to being diagnosed with my illness, to break-ups, huge arguments, mistakes, and moving to completely the wrong job, these are my fave things that have worked for me.

Take care of yourself

This is top priority. Believe me, I know it’s the hardest of all to do. Sometimes the last thing you want to do is eat, let alone eat well. But you must. I know it’s tempting to resort to coping mechanisms such as alcohol, etc. Exercise, rest, nap under a weighted blanket, spend time outdoors. Speak your truth. Be you, take care of you.

Distract yourself

It’s much harder to turn off negative thoughts about the challenges facing you so finding something genuinely distracting is great. Watch something daft on tv (as long as it’s something you do find actually funny). How funny? Remember in the SATC movie and Carrie is on her non-honeymoon and she wonders if she’ll ever laugh again and then Charlotte poops herself? That funny!

Ask for help

I’ll admit it, I struggle with this one too. I learned at a young age that I need to get on and take care of myself, so asking for help can be hard sometimes. However, it’s one of the best ways to deal with tough situations. You don’t have to do it all by yourself. If people offer, tell them exactly what you need, don’t put expectations on them and set them up for failure. Call friends and family. If they don’t want to help, and your request is reasonable, add them to the list of things to be rid of.

Purposefully look for the good things in your life

There are some positives in your life. Quite a lot. The brain is like Google. Give it orders to search for what is right and good in your life. You have hot water (which I didn’t for 4 years – long story, and thank goodness for electric showers), you have food, you have loved ones. Make yourself a list every day of what you are grateful for, and good things that happened today.

Download my favourite of favourites – my daily gratitude. Make it as simple or complicated, big or small as you like. If you’re feeling inspired, don’t stop at 3. Add in an affirmation to get your brain thinking positively about yourself and you’ve set the day up for success. Finish the day with 3 great things that happened. Again big or small, simple or complicated. Attach those positive feelings and you’ll soon start to see amazing things every day.

You do have control

You have control over what you think about the situation, which will affect how you feel.

Plus, force yourself to focus on one problem at a time. Focus on what’s easiest, most important, or that which you can solve soonest. Reducing the total number of challenges confronting you will be an enormous relief and help combat the tendency to feel defeated when facing what seems to be an overwhelming number of problems.

You can handle this

When have you overcome something in the past? You have strengths built from resilience. Accept that you must face something unpleasant, that you have done so before and you will get through it again. Don’t worry about experiencing pain. Stop trying to avoid it. You’ll make it through and survive. Prepare yourself to feel whatever there is to feel. The longer you wait to feel it, the more anticipatory dread you’ll feel as well.

This too, shall pass

When things go wrong it’s very easy to think that’s it, everything is a mess, and I’ll ever sort it out. Giving yourself permission to sit in your emotions, almost like a waiting room, is an active process. You have chosen to feel it. You don’t know what is going to happen. You just need to know deep in your heart that it is still worth trying. Also ask yourself, will it really matter in a few years?

Something good this way comes

One of my favourite quotes is “someone once gave me a box of darkness, and that too was a gift” Be it learning a life lesson, finding a new path in life, something always comes good. It could be that you get to spend some much-missed time with great friends.

There will come a time when you’ll struggle even to remember what’s causing you so much angst today. It’s hard to project yourself into that future, but if you stop think about it, you’ve almost certainly already forgotten about many, not all, of the trying experiences you’ve faced in the past.